I need to stand up for myself & notice when I’m being disrespected…

My choices in life have led me to allow others to disrespect me. I’ve allowed it and just stopped noticing when it is happening. So then I don’t stop it from happening and it just keeps continuing.

How did I find out I was being disrespected? I told my man some things that were said to me (that I thought were funny ). When he heard what people were saying to me he could not believe that I would let people disrespect me like that.

I was confused at first, thinking these people were just being silly, just Aussie larrikins, didn’t really mean what they were saying…

But, when I took time to think about it , I was shocked to see that people don’t respect me as a mature respectable woman.

Of course, a lot of this behavior is because of my own behavior in the past. During my last relationship (mental and physical abuse) I would try to cover up what was happening at home by over exaggerating my love life to somehow make others think I had this amazing relationship and exciting intimacy.

This was my mistake!!!

Some people only remember me this way because they haven’t seen me since my life has changed. Not their fault… but I have changed and I need to set them straight if they speak to me in a disrespectful way.

Trying to be someone I’m not has backfired… so much so , some people still treat me like the fake I was.

Unfortunately, I still don’t know who I am. But I sure know who I’m not.

I NEED TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF

Many of my friends know what I went through and know how I’ve changed over the last 2 years and have seen me grow and mature and slowly move on from my nightmare. They never bring up things from my past or think it’s funny to mention embarrassing things I may have said or done. My real friends respect me.

Still in discovery mode…

E. x

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Schema-therapy Part 2

I’m just going to be completely honest and tell you I’m feeling extremely emotional and scared about my upcoming session this afternoon.

Last week I was left feeling drained after my first session of schema-therapy and rescripting (link in previous post).  During the session I closed my eyes and found my safe place first, then my therapist introduced herself as my “saviour ” to be there for the “young Ms Eve” when she needs someone to stand up for her. We went back to a time in my life when I was under the age of 10 and I spoke about a time in my life that upset me. This is where I got very emotional 😭. My therapist would also ask if young Ms Eve needed a hug or to be picked up or to hold her hand. Of course, my therapist remains in her chair, these offers of comfort are just suggestive.

I cried and my body shook with all these past emotions coming to the surface. You know these feelings are there and you just think you’ve gotten over the past, but you just don’t realise that you haven’t really forgiven and forgotten things that happened. When you go back to those times it HURTS! 

The idea of the session is to go back to a time when a particular event happened. To speak as you were then , in a present tense. Then the therapist asks what help you’d like, to talk to whoever caused this pain, to comfort you, to take you to a place that you feel safe etc… rescripting your reaction essentially. 

At first it was weird for me, but after talking about it and hearing the therapist speak up for me , I started to feel calm.

I totally recommend this form of therapy if something in your past triggers hurt, insecurities, anxiety, fear etc…

I guess I’m fearful of getting so emotional during my sessions and not getting past the triggers. 

I hope I’ve made some sense. 😊

E.

When I realised something needed to change…

After I left my husband, I was contacted by a guy I went to high school with 20 years ago. He looked ok on his fb profile and was a single father. I agreed to meet him for coffee. I remember being nervous and then thinking he was a little strange (stupidly I put it down to him being nervous too).

I saw him a few more times, he was caring and didn’t try to move the relationship to fast. I thought he was charming. He was unemployed, but said it was only until his child went to school ( I thought it was very sweet that he chose to spend time with his child before school started ). He lived in an apartment under his parents house, I was living with my cousin, so I couldn’t judge that.

I went overseas early in the relationship, he was very supportive when he left me at the airport. Halfway through the holiday he started to get jealous and mean when we spoke… I told him not to be silly . When I got back we resumed our relationship and I moved in.

He then started to get back pain and leg pain and intimate times were difficult for him. I wanted to help him, I felt like I needed to do for him what I didn’t do in my marriage . I looked after him, cared for him, spend every minute out of work with him and searched for cures.

He started to accuse me of cheating on him at work. He would ask where I had been, why I was late, why I went to work early etc…

One night there was an incident involving his child and mine and his Father told me I couldn’t have my children there anymore. So I found a house big enough for all of us. My bf refused to move in full time, he started sharing the cost of food and utilities because he was there all the time.

After 2 years of ups and downs and many screaming matches , he hit me! He would throw burning cigarettes at me, glasses of coke and spit at me.

WHY DIDN’T I LEAVE?

He had met me at a very vulnerable time, I was feeling guilty about leaving my Marriage. He knew this and started to get into my head from the very beginning. Got me to trust him and believe everything he said. 

He did it so well, I had no idea it was happening. I tell friends it was like voluntarily taking my brain out of my head and handing it over to him. I kept going back for more.

I feel so stupid now.

After leaving him I put a dvo on him and went into hiding. Work was my safe place until he tracked me down. He waited at my workplace for me to leave and then he wanted to talk, I let him… he handed me a jewellery box… Yes!! Can you believe it?!?!? He wanted to propose with a ring , I assume I paid for. I told him not to even think about it.The only time I saw him again was at court.

This is a very short version of the worst 3 years of my life.

The week I left him a woman lost her life at the hands of her jealous partner, within two weeks another two women were killed by their partners in my city . These were the ones reported on the news, since then the laws on domestic violence in Australia have changed drastically and there is no tolerance for it. I’m extremely lucky, I believe that he would have killed me sooner or later.

I now have a wonderful, caring, loving man , who I sincerely love with all my heart. 

E.

Stubbornness and ignoring the signs…

“Flash those bright neon flickering signs at me and I still won’t see them “

Or should I say I chose to ignore them? I am very good at seeing and hearing things I want to see and hear. Sometimes it’s good out in public, because I miss the really bad things I prefer not to see, but in a relationship I really need to listen to what the other person is really saying not what I think or want them to say. 

By ignoring what others say or do, I’ve been surprised by the reactions I get when I think I’m doing what they’ve asked for. To find out I’m really doing what I want for them.

Anyway, back to the signs…

I was rebellious, but in a sneaky way. I would do things that my parents wouldn’t like, but things that I could easily lie my way out of. Things like; “why weren’t you home when your sister got home from school?” My answer, “I missed the bus my sister was on because I helped another student in my class. So I caught the other bus, but it got stuck in traffic so I missed the connecting bus home.” ( the 2nd bus stopped at the shopping centre and all my friends were going there).

Or I would say I spending the night at my friends and tell her mother if my mum called to tell her we were out and we were spending the night there. Of course my boyfriends parents were away so I was staying at his house. (I was over 18, legally an adult, but afraid to tell my parents the truth, in fear of them throwing me out of the house or having to sit through an explanation of why God says no sex before marriage or the sins of the father have been passed down the generations).

I keep veering of the path of the subject but I think it all explains a bit about me.

Back to the signs I should not have ignored…

1. I never spoke up for myself 

2. I hid everything I felt

3. I ran from everything so I didn’t have to deal with it

4. I pretended everything was alright ( and I did an amazing job of it). Everyone but my youngest cousin was surprised when I left my husband.

5. I never saved for the future, I relied on others for that. I acted like a princess who deserved everything she wanted, but didn’t want to work for it. I kept waiting for this knight/prince to come along 🙄.

6. I walked down the aisle because I wanted to get out from under the control of my parents and the church. ( I was a fucking idiot!).

The signs, fear, laziness, no self worth, immature, fear, no self confidence, lies, fear of not being liked/ loved for choosing a life I wanted. You may ask where stubbornness comes into this? I was so stubborn I had to show my world my life was good, I made the right choice, this turned in to selfishness because I did what I wanted in my marriage and told my husband “no”when he wanted something. He even quit his job and sold our family car so that I could have my dream of living in Italy for 3 months.

I hope that my children do what they want and talk their father and I about anything. They shouldn’t fear anything.

E.

Looking back is a curse…

And so the story continues

I met a lovely kind young man when I went to a club with my friends one night. I can see where I ruined not only my life but a very good mans life too. Looking back is a curse.

I can clearly see now that I chose him because his friend was taken and my friend wanted him. The challenge, competition and making someone jealous was always my favorite game when out clubbing. I enjoyed the attention even if it wasn’t good or good for me. Young and stupid, selfish and inconsiderate.

This led to me marrying 21 months later. On the wedding day there were signs I was doing the wrong thing. I asked the driver to go around the block while I calmed myself down, my father told me I could change my mind until I said “I do”. And then when I stepped out of the limousine in front of the church a passerby yelled “SUCKED IN!” 

What did I do??? I ignored all of it. I’m a stubborn bitch. 

Has anyone else done shit like this? Am I the only one? Please let me know. Leave a comment.

E.

Not thinking for yourself…the pain it can cause

I wish I knew this years ago!!!

I always did what was “right” by everyone else’s standards. Ever heard of WWJD? What Would Jesus Do… well it was more like “how can I do this and make my parents/church happy and keep them off my back?”

I just wanted to live and do what other people my age were doing, their parents didn’t question where they stayed the night or tell them they got sick whenever they had sex or that the sins they had done were being passed down the generations.

GUILT, GUILT, GUILT

At 18 I got a boyfriend who my parents would not approve of, I had to ask him to church and then the church prayed for him to make him believe in God. I was so embarrassed but I also thought if he at least looked like he was starting to believe then I’d get away with having sex. About a year into our relationship I told him we had to get married, so we got engaged. 18!!!!

After a few months my fiancé told me he never wanted children and I decided I wanted something different, so I broke up with him .  Last I heard he is an atheist.

3 months later I told God that the next guy I met would be it. And that night out with my friends I met him ( the father of my children).

This post seems to dragging out… am I just rambling???

E.