I’m still alive

Oh it has been a while…

Since my last post I have been away on holidays with my man. We went to France for 3 weeks, 1 week in Paris and 2 weeks driving the Normandy coast.

My man educated me on all the D-Day events and I got to see exactly what those brave men encountered in WWII.

There were times of stress and sadness and anxiety during the holiday but all turned out well.

I haven’t felt the need to see my therapist lately, I’m finding ways to cope with different stresses in my life.

I’m doing so much better than just a few months ago.

E.

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It’s been a long time…

Hi everyone, I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post.
Since then things have gone downhill, I've been very moody, depressed, strange, tired, confused, anxious, snappy and just plain unhappy 😔.
Turns out going off the contraceptive pill can do this (wish the dr had mentioned it). It's been 3 very long months of bickering and arguing with my loved ones.
I decided yesterday to see if it could be the side effects of going off the pill and low and behold I found a forum of 81 pages of women going through similar symptoms as I have and still am.
Now I know I'm feeling a little better and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Many women say it takes about 6-8 months to get back to "normal ".
Upside: I'm off to France tomorrow morning with my love (hopefully still loves me at the end of this holiday). It's been very hard on him ( I'm sorry 😐).
Note to self… Eve you are going back to a city you love ❤️ be HAPPY 😊.
E.

Wasting time at a Psychologist session 

Ever think you should have let the psychologist lead the way in the session?

I was going in to do more schema- therapy and rescripting but I did not stop talking.  I just kept rambling on and telling her this and that. She did ask questions but I kept veering off , maybe I was subconsciously avoiding delving deep into the past again and having all those feelings resurfacing.  Funny thing is that I actually wanted to do the schema-therapy and rescripting again, I was fully prepared.

I know, I know , you are thinking , it’s good to talk to your therapist, they may notice something in your rambling?

But now I only have 4 sessions left that are subsidised by Medicare. So I really need to make sure I use them wisely.

E.

Real love?

On Wednesday I had a lovely girls day with my friend P. We had a South American lunch with Sangria, then went to my local cafe for coffee and cake. Lots of girly chats and laughs. Later in the afternoon we sat in my kitchen and had a cuppa before P set off home. 

I messaged my bf and he called back on Skype, it cut out. I thought it was strange because usually when he knows I’m with a friend, he prefers that I’m not rude and msg or call him when I’m supposed to be paying attention to them.

After P left , I called my bf on Skype. I asked him why he tried calling while P was here, he said he wanted to say hi and that I should invite her and her bf for dinner sometime. He’d never mentioned meeting my friends before and it surprised me… my heart filled with love for him . 

At about 9pm I had this overwhelming urge to send my bf a message of how much I love him and I got very emotional writing it. I felt like he needed to know how I felt.

Half an hour later he called me and he was in excruciating pain… kidney stone. My baby was in so much pain and in a different country and I couldn’t help. He needed me…

He is feeling better now and continuing his holiday in Greece. I’ve never felt this way before.

I just wish my anxiety wouldn’t get in the way…

E.

I’m a little lost at the moment…

I feel lonely…

I realise my man is right when he says I can’t be with myself for long.

Last night I took my man and his son to the airport, to start their epic adventure. As soon as I got home and went to bed I noticed how empty the bed was. I started to miss him and they hadn’t even boarded the plane yet.

I await his messages, I want to sleep and I want to eat really bad food … lovesick 🙄.

5 more weeks…

What am I going to do?

Ms Eve is discovering she loves her man more than she ever thought she would ever love anyone.

E.

Not PTSD…

During my psychologist appointment the other day the dr concluded that I do not suffer ptsd. Simply because I do not look over my shoulder in fear, I don’t freak out over loud noises and I don’t have dreams that cause me to feel like I’m back in the bad situation.

My “problem ” is worthlessness, low self confidence and the need to seek approval from people. Stemming from childhood.

We are going to work on building up my confidence and treating myself better. Not being afraid of making decisions for myself… I tend to overthink even the smallest things and how it is going to affect someone else( my bf, my children, my friends, my bosses etc) . I don’t want to be a disappointment which means often I miss out on things that may be good for me. 

I want nothing more than to be a confident, respected and trusted woman. 

E.

The day after…

The day after my bf and I had a discussion about him needing time to find his purpose in life I had my first visit to the psychologist. And I spent every minute of my 50 minute appointment talking. I’m sure I opened her eyes to a full on crazy life (probably not… I’m sure psychs hear far more interesting stuff than my life).

Of course, you first visit is for them to get as much information from you as possible so they can work out how best to give you the tools to help yourself. They aren’t there to fix you, you need to know how to deal on a daily basis, so they teach you. 

At the end of my appointment, we decided that I need confidence in making and believing in my decisions. Doing things that I want to do, not what I think someone else wants me to do.

Oh and I’m passive aggressive, I kinda discovered that myself after reading this great blog post by Andrea Brandt. Being passive aggressive doesn’t mean you are an angry person, just that you avoid the conflict straightaway, but then it festers and you explode later, normally when the other person has totally forgotten about the situation.

An update…

I am at my place, I’ve given my bf his space and I got an email from him. This is a trigger for anxiety for me, but this time I read the email and I was calm and I came up with some answers and I love him more than ever. It’s hard when someone you love thinks they are failing you.

We are both going through our own issues but we love each other and support each other. I realize now that when he wants space it’s because he is in a bad place and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. (I can get on people’s nerves sometimes:).

E.