Real love?

On Wednesday I had a lovely girls day with my friend P. We had a South American lunch with Sangria, then went to my local cafe for coffee and cake. Lots of girly chats and laughs. Later in the afternoon we sat in my kitchen and had a cuppa before P set off home. 

I messaged my bf and he called back on Skype, it cut out. I thought it was strange because usually when he knows I’m with a friend, he prefers that I’m not rude and msg or call him when I’m supposed to be paying attention to them.

After P left , I called my bf on Skype. I asked him why he tried calling while P was here, he said he wanted to say hi and that I should invite her and her bf for dinner sometime. He’d never mentioned meeting my friends before and it surprised me… my heart filled with love for him . 

At about 9pm I had this overwhelming urge to send my bf a message of how much I love him and I got very emotional writing it. I felt like he needed to know how I felt.

Half an hour later he called me and he was in excruciating pain… kidney stone. My baby was in so much pain and in a different country and I couldn’t help. He needed me…

He is feeling better now and continuing his holiday in Greece. I’ve never felt this way before.

I just wish my anxiety wouldn’t get in the way…

E.

I’m a little lost at the moment…

I feel lonely…

I realise my man is right when he says I can’t be with myself for long.

Last night I took my man and his son to the airport, to start their epic adventure. As soon as I got home and went to bed I noticed how empty the bed was. I started to miss him and they hadn’t even boarded the plane yet.

I await his messages, I want to sleep and I want to eat really bad food … lovesick 🙄.

5 more weeks…

What am I going to do?

Ms Eve is discovering she loves her man more than she ever thought she would ever love anyone.

E.

Not PTSD…

During my psychologist appointment the other day the dr concluded that I do not suffer ptsd. Simply because I do not look over my shoulder in fear, I don’t freak out over loud noises and I don’t have dreams that cause me to feel like I’m back in the bad situation.

My “problem ” is worthlessness, low self confidence and the need to seek approval from people. Stemming from childhood.

We are going to work on building up my confidence and treating myself better. Not being afraid of making decisions for myself… I tend to overthink even the smallest things and how it is going to affect someone else( my bf, my children, my friends, my bosses etc) . I don’t want to be a disappointment which means often I miss out on things that may be good for me. 

I want nothing more than to be a confident, respected and trusted woman. 

E.

The day after…

The day after my bf and I had a discussion about him needing time to find his purpose in life I had my first visit to the psychologist. And I spent every minute of my 50 minute appointment talking. I’m sure I opened her eyes to a full on crazy life (probably not… I’m sure psychs hear far more interesting stuff than my life).

Of course, you first visit is for them to get as much information from you as possible so they can work out how best to give you the tools to help yourself. They aren’t there to fix you, you need to know how to deal on a daily basis, so they teach you. 

At the end of my appointment, we decided that I need confidence in making and believing in my decisions. Doing things that I want to do, not what I think someone else wants me to do.

Oh and I’m passive aggressive, I kinda discovered that myself after reading this great blog post by Andrea Brandt. Being passive aggressive doesn’t mean you are an angry person, just that you avoid the conflict straightaway, but then it festers and you explode later, normally when the other person has totally forgotten about the situation.

An update…

I am at my place, I’ve given my bf his space and I got an email from him. This is a trigger for anxiety for me, but this time I read the email and I was calm and I came up with some answers and I love him more than ever. It’s hard when someone you love thinks they are failing you.

We are both going through our own issues but we love each other and support each other. I realize now that when he wants space it’s because he is in a bad place and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. (I can get on people’s nerves sometimes:).

E.

Last night…

I hate how you can go from feeling good to feeling not so good in a matter of hours.

Last night, before cooking dinner, I sat with my man and contemplated asking him to come to a family dinner for a 60th. I went over how I would ask him and went over and over and over it. I looked at him reading his book and wondered if I should wait to ask, but then told myself “just ask”. So I did.  His answer disappointed me, this then caused my mood to drop and I wanted to cry. 

I know this is a trigger from my past, that I haven’t touched on yet. 

A few hours later , my man asked what was wrong and after a lot of telling him “it doesn’t matter”, I told him and he said if it is that important to me, of course he’ll go. I think I think of the worst answer and work myself up about it.

For me, I always think that things like that wouldn’t bother others so I tell myself to suck it up and not worry. But, my man doesn’t know something is important to me unless I talk to him. I’m so afraid of being a disappointment even though he always says he is never disappointed in me. 

Do you do things like this?

E.