Getting outside…

This morning my bf, his son and I went for a bush walk at Buderim Forest Park.  Bf had always told me before that they had been before and I could go by myself if I wanted to see the falls.  But this morning he surprised me by suggesting we go there for a walk 😊.

I know that he knew I really wanted him to take me. Some people don’t like to go to places they’ve been before “because there’s always new places to go”. I’m the opposite, I like New but I love familiar and I love to show others places I’ve been.

Here are some photos from this morning and the last one is at Noosa the other day ( the water was so calm).

E.

My goal …

I’m following Discovering Your Happiness and she has a fitness goal to reach, it’s great to see her get closer and closer to it. So, I decided to follow suit.

My goal is to run (or at least jog) 5 km in 8 weeks. I have downloaded the C25K app (couch to 5k) and I started it yesterday. I got to 4km on the treadmill in 30mins jog/walk 1min/90secs with 4 minutes warm up at the beginning (which I ran :)) and 4 minutes cool down. My average speed was 7.25km/hr. 

My aim is for fitness not weight loss, I may (see I said “may”) try a charity event some time in the near future.


E.

I feel like I’ve lost myself…

I want the old you back, you’ve changed in the past 6 weeks “

My bf said this last night and I asked him to explain and he just said he’d noticed a change in me. 

I totally agree with him… at first I thought he wanted the girl who cried all of the time, which then confused me and kinda made me angry. Why would he want that girl back? 

I’ve noticed that when we have a heated discussion and he says things like:

You have become very dependent on me.

You are very needy.

Please don’t come here if you are in a bickering mood.

I take the “bad” words and make them worse than they really are or take them the wrong way. Does that make sense to anyone reading this???

I know I have ptsd and he knows too, he was there when the doctor mentioned it and everything sort of fell into place. Thing is my poor man has no idea that some things he says are triggers to feelings of ; fear, loss of control, anger, terror, unworthiness, stupidity, failure, the list goes on… all these feelings stemming not only from my last relationship but from my childhood. He then gets an argument, which turns into him telling me to go home and that he needs some time away from me or me crying uncontrollably.

I feel sorry for him and then I can’t stand the thought of losing the man that caused me to love. After almost 40 years of suppressing my heart … I actually fell in love and I know, really know that I love him. He always asks why I love him and of course I say just because I do. I’m not sure why I can’t tell him why, but I’ve filled up a brown leather bound notebook with all of my feelings in little notes to him and he keeps it by the bed. I find it much easier to write my feelings then to say them out loud.

Anyway, I have some theories on why I’ve lost myself…

1. I take the words from what he says … dependent, needy, bickering and do the total opposite (which means I become very indifferent to everything and blah)

2. I went off the contraceptive pill about a month ago. ( this could explain parts of it, hormones changing etc…)

3. Started taking progesterone for a condition I have( if the condition clears up then there will be less I’ll stress about)

4. I’m reading a lot of blogs, books, articles about depression and self confidence and filling my brain to overflow and just adding too much to think about.

5. Overthinking!!!! Always overthinking….

I’m one of those people who thinks that they are going to be hurt … so I protect myself by shutting down. I’ve done it all my life. But I found this man who broke down the walls and I started to let him in bit by bit and he has my heart now and I know he loves me. I don’t want to be the person I was before he came into my life, but I feel the walls or for me I feel my heart solidifying into a lump of coal.

” I want the old /new me back too”

E.

The day after…

The day after my bf and I had a discussion about him needing time to find his purpose in life I had my first visit to the psychologist. And I spent every minute of my 50 minute appointment talking. I’m sure I opened her eyes to a full on crazy life (probably not… I’m sure psychs hear far more interesting stuff than my life).

Of course, you first visit is for them to get as much information from you as possible so they can work out how best to give you the tools to help yourself. They aren’t there to fix you, you need to know how to deal on a daily basis, so they teach you. 

At the end of my appointment, we decided that I need confidence in making and believing in my decisions. Doing things that I want to do, not what I think someone else wants me to do.

Oh and I’m passive aggressive, I kinda discovered that myself after reading this great blog post by Andrea Brandt. Being passive aggressive doesn’t mean you are an angry person, just that you avoid the conflict straightaway, but then it festers and you explode later, normally when the other person has totally forgotten about the situation.

An update…

I am at my place, I’ve given my bf his space and I got an email from him. This is a trigger for anxiety for me, but this time I read the email and I was calm and I came up with some answers and I love him more than ever. It’s hard when someone you love thinks they are failing you.

We are both going through our own issues but we love each other and support each other. I realize now that when he wants space it’s because he is in a bad place and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. (I can get on people’s nerves sometimes:).

E.

Today…

I’m having a very low day. My partner is going through what I would call a midlife crisis. He hates that he is causing me to feel like I’m the problem. I love him for that.

But he would like me to stay at my place until he knows what he can do with his life. He wants to have a purpose.

I feel so sad like I’m mourning the loss of a family member or a friend. But he is my lover and my life and I love him so much.

I will give him what he needs.

E.