Schema-therapy Part 2

I’m just going to be completely honest and tell you I’m feeling extremely emotional and scared about my upcoming session this afternoon.

Last week I was left feeling drained after my first session of schema-therapy and rescripting (link in previous post).  During the session I closed my eyes and found my safe place first, then my therapist introduced herself as my “saviour ” to be there for the “young Ms Eve” when she needs someone to stand up for her. We went back to a time in my life when I was under the age of 10 and I spoke about a time in my life that upset me. This is where I got very emotional 😭. My therapist would also ask if young Ms Eve needed a hug or to be picked up or to hold her hand. Of course, my therapist remains in her chair, these offers of comfort are just suggestive.

I cried and my body shook with all these past emotions coming to the surface. You know these feelings are there and you just think you’ve gotten over the past, but you just don’t realise that you haven’t really forgiven and forgotten things that happened. When you go back to those times it HURTS! 

The idea of the session is to go back to a time when a particular event happened. To speak as you were then , in a present tense. Then the therapist asks what help you’d like, to talk to whoever caused this pain, to comfort you, to take you to a place that you feel safe etc… rescripting your reaction essentially. 

At first it was weird for me, but after talking about it and hearing the therapist speak up for me , I started to feel calm.

I totally recommend this form of therapy if something in your past triggers hurt, insecurities, anxiety, fear etc…

I guess I’m fearful of getting so emotional during my sessions and not getting past the triggers. 

I hope I’ve made some sense. 😊

E.

Real love?

On Wednesday I had a lovely girls day with my friend P. We had a South American lunch with Sangria, then went to my local cafe for coffee and cake. Lots of girly chats and laughs. Later in the afternoon we sat in my kitchen and had a cuppa before P set off home. 

I messaged my bf and he called back on Skype, it cut out. I thought it was strange because usually when he knows I’m with a friend, he prefers that I’m not rude and msg or call him when I’m supposed to be paying attention to them.

After P left , I called my bf on Skype. I asked him why he tried calling while P was here, he said he wanted to say hi and that I should invite her and her bf for dinner sometime. He’d never mentioned meeting my friends before and it surprised me… my heart filled with love for him . 

At about 9pm I had this overwhelming urge to send my bf a message of how much I love him and I got very emotional writing it. I felt like he needed to know how I felt.

Half an hour later he called me and he was in excruciating pain… kidney stone. My baby was in so much pain and in a different country and I couldn’t help. He needed me…

He is feeling better now and continuing his holiday in Greece. I’ve never felt this way before.

I just wish my anxiety wouldn’t get in the way…

E.

I feel like I’ve lost myself…

I want the old you back, you’ve changed in the past 6 weeks “

My bf said this last night and I asked him to explain and he just said he’d noticed a change in me. 

I totally agree with him… at first I thought he wanted the girl who cried all of the time, which then confused me and kinda made me angry. Why would he want that girl back? 

I’ve noticed that when we have a heated discussion and he says things like:

You have become very dependent on me.

You are very needy.

Please don’t come here if you are in a bickering mood.

I take the “bad” words and make them worse than they really are or take them the wrong way. Does that make sense to anyone reading this???

I know I have ptsd and he knows too, he was there when the doctor mentioned it and everything sort of fell into place. Thing is my poor man has no idea that some things he says are triggers to feelings of ; fear, loss of control, anger, terror, unworthiness, stupidity, failure, the list goes on… all these feelings stemming not only from my last relationship but from my childhood. He then gets an argument, which turns into him telling me to go home and that he needs some time away from me or me crying uncontrollably.

I feel sorry for him and then I can’t stand the thought of losing the man that caused me to love. After almost 40 years of suppressing my heart … I actually fell in love and I know, really know that I love him. He always asks why I love him and of course I say just because I do. I’m not sure why I can’t tell him why, but I’ve filled up a brown leather bound notebook with all of my feelings in little notes to him and he keeps it by the bed. I find it much easier to write my feelings then to say them out loud.

Anyway, I have some theories on why I’ve lost myself…

1. I take the words from what he says … dependent, needy, bickering and do the total opposite (which means I become very indifferent to everything and blah)

2. I went off the contraceptive pill about a month ago. ( this could explain parts of it, hormones changing etc…)

3. Started taking progesterone for a condition I have( if the condition clears up then there will be less I’ll stress about)

4. I’m reading a lot of blogs, books, articles about depression and self confidence and filling my brain to overflow and just adding too much to think about.

5. Overthinking!!!! Always overthinking….

I’m one of those people who thinks that they are going to be hurt … so I protect myself by shutting down. I’ve done it all my life. But I found this man who broke down the walls and I started to let him in bit by bit and he has my heart now and I know he loves me. I don’t want to be the person I was before he came into my life, but I feel the walls or for me I feel my heart solidifying into a lump of coal.

” I want the old /new me back too”

E.