I feel like I’ve lost myself…

I want the old you back, you’ve changed in the past 6 weeks “

My bf said this last night and I asked him to explain and he just said he’d noticed a change in me. 

I totally agree with him… at first I thought he wanted the girl who cried all of the time, which then confused me and kinda made me angry. Why would he want that girl back? 

I’ve noticed that when we have a heated discussion and he says things like:

You have become very dependent on me.

You are very needy.

Please don’t come here if you are in a bickering mood.

I take the “bad” words and make them worse than they really are or take them the wrong way. Does that make sense to anyone reading this???

I know I have ptsd and he knows too, he was there when the doctor mentioned it and everything sort of fell into place. Thing is my poor man has no idea that some things he says are triggers to feelings of ; fear, loss of control, anger, terror, unworthiness, stupidity, failure, the list goes on… all these feelings stemming not only from my last relationship but from my childhood. He then gets an argument, which turns into him telling me to go home and that he needs some time away from me or me crying uncontrollably.

I feel sorry for him and then I can’t stand the thought of losing the man that caused me to love. After almost 40 years of suppressing my heart … I actually fell in love and I know, really know that I love him. He always asks why I love him and of course I say just because I do. I’m not sure why I can’t tell him why, but I’ve filled up a brown leather bound notebook with all of my feelings in little notes to him and he keeps it by the bed. I find it much easier to write my feelings then to say them out loud.

Anyway, I have some theories on why I’ve lost myself…

1. I take the words from what he says … dependent, needy, bickering and do the total opposite (which means I become very indifferent to everything and blah)

2. I went off the contraceptive pill about a month ago. ( this could explain parts of it, hormones changing etc…)

3. Started taking progesterone for a condition I have( if the condition clears up then there will be less I’ll stress about)

4. I’m reading a lot of blogs, books, articles about depression and self confidence and filling my brain to overflow and just adding too much to think about.

5. Overthinking!!!! Always overthinking….

I’m one of those people who thinks that they are going to be hurt … so I protect myself by shutting down. I’ve done it all my life. But I found this man who broke down the walls and I started to let him in bit by bit and he has my heart now and I know he loves me. I don’t want to be the person I was before he came into my life, but I feel the walls or for me I feel my heart solidifying into a lump of coal.

” I want the old /new me back too”

E.