I’m still alive

Oh it has been a while…

Since my last post I have been away on holidays with my man. We went to France for 3 weeks, 1 week in Paris and 2 weeks driving the Normandy coast.

My man educated me on all the D-Day events and I got to see exactly what those brave men encountered in WWII.

There were times of stress and sadness and anxiety during the holiday but all turned out well.

I haven’t felt the need to see my therapist lately, I’m finding ways to cope with different stresses in my life.

I’m doing so much better than just a few months ago.

E.

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It’s been a long time…

Hi everyone, I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post.
Since then things have gone downhill, I've been very moody, depressed, strange, tired, confused, anxious, snappy and just plain unhappy 😔.
Turns out going off the contraceptive pill can do this (wish the dr had mentioned it). It's been 3 very long months of bickering and arguing with my loved ones.
I decided yesterday to see if it could be the side effects of going off the pill and low and behold I found a forum of 81 pages of women going through similar symptoms as I have and still am.
Now I know I'm feeling a little better and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Many women say it takes about 6-8 months to get back to "normal ".
Upside: I'm off to France tomorrow morning with my love (hopefully still loves me at the end of this holiday). It's been very hard on him ( I'm sorry 😐).
Note to self… Eve you are going back to a city you love ❤️ be HAPPY 😊.
E.

Wasting time at a Psychologist session 

Ever think you should have let the psychologist lead the way in the session?

I was going in to do more schema- therapy and rescripting but I did not stop talking.  I just kept rambling on and telling her this and that. She did ask questions but I kept veering off , maybe I was subconsciously avoiding delving deep into the past again and having all those feelings resurfacing.  Funny thing is that I actually wanted to do the schema-therapy and rescripting again, I was fully prepared.

I know, I know , you are thinking , it’s good to talk to your therapist, they may notice something in your rambling?

But now I only have 4 sessions left that are subsidised by Medicare. So I really need to make sure I use them wisely.

E.

Real love?

On Wednesday I had a lovely girls day with my friend P. We had a South American lunch with Sangria, then went to my local cafe for coffee and cake. Lots of girly chats and laughs. Later in the afternoon we sat in my kitchen and had a cuppa before P set off home. 

I messaged my bf and he called back on Skype, it cut out. I thought it was strange because usually when he knows I’m with a friend, he prefers that I’m not rude and msg or call him when I’m supposed to be paying attention to them.

After P left , I called my bf on Skype. I asked him why he tried calling while P was here, he said he wanted to say hi and that I should invite her and her bf for dinner sometime. He’d never mentioned meeting my friends before and it surprised me… my heart filled with love for him . 

At about 9pm I had this overwhelming urge to send my bf a message of how much I love him and I got very emotional writing it. I felt like he needed to know how I felt.

Half an hour later he called me and he was in excruciating pain… kidney stone. My baby was in so much pain and in a different country and I couldn’t help. He needed me…

He is feeling better now and continuing his holiday in Greece. I’ve never felt this way before.

I just wish my anxiety wouldn’t get in the way…

E.

I am strong…

Next week I am taking my man and his son to the airport to see them off on there Greek adventure. 

I’m excited for them, but I will miss my bf terribly. I am a much stronger, mature woman now and I’m so happy that they can go explore another country. If all goes well and bf finds what he is looking for there then we will go back there together later in the year.

I love my man very much and more than anything want him to be happy 😊. In the past year I’ve learned that being selfish doesn’t make me happy, but seeing others happy helps me on my journey to true happiness. 

My love makes me happy.

E.

I feel like I’ve lost myself…

I want the old you back, you’ve changed in the past 6 weeks “

My bf said this last night and I asked him to explain and he just said he’d noticed a change in me. 

I totally agree with him… at first I thought he wanted the girl who cried all of the time, which then confused me and kinda made me angry. Why would he want that girl back? 

I’ve noticed that when we have a heated discussion and he says things like:

You have become very dependent on me.

You are very needy.

Please don’t come here if you are in a bickering mood.

I take the “bad” words and make them worse than they really are or take them the wrong way. Does that make sense to anyone reading this???

I know I have ptsd and he knows too, he was there when the doctor mentioned it and everything sort of fell into place. Thing is my poor man has no idea that some things he says are triggers to feelings of ; fear, loss of control, anger, terror, unworthiness, stupidity, failure, the list goes on… all these feelings stemming not only from my last relationship but from my childhood. He then gets an argument, which turns into him telling me to go home and that he needs some time away from me or me crying uncontrollably.

I feel sorry for him and then I can’t stand the thought of losing the man that caused me to love. After almost 40 years of suppressing my heart … I actually fell in love and I know, really know that I love him. He always asks why I love him and of course I say just because I do. I’m not sure why I can’t tell him why, but I’ve filled up a brown leather bound notebook with all of my feelings in little notes to him and he keeps it by the bed. I find it much easier to write my feelings then to say them out loud.

Anyway, I have some theories on why I’ve lost myself…

1. I take the words from what he says … dependent, needy, bickering and do the total opposite (which means I become very indifferent to everything and blah)

2. I went off the contraceptive pill about a month ago. ( this could explain parts of it, hormones changing etc…)

3. Started taking progesterone for a condition I have( if the condition clears up then there will be less I’ll stress about)

4. I’m reading a lot of blogs, books, articles about depression and self confidence and filling my brain to overflow and just adding too much to think about.

5. Overthinking!!!! Always overthinking….

I’m one of those people who thinks that they are going to be hurt … so I protect myself by shutting down. I’ve done it all my life. But I found this man who broke down the walls and I started to let him in bit by bit and he has my heart now and I know he loves me. I don’t want to be the person I was before he came into my life, but I feel the walls or for me I feel my heart solidifying into a lump of coal.

” I want the old /new me back too”

E.

Today…

Today I feel blah…

I should have written yesterday. 

Yesterday, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in over a year. I came out feeling fantastic, a little lighter in the purse 😉 but non the less fantastic and pretty. I was happy and couldn’t wait to show my new hair to my partner. He liked it :).

I feel neither sad nor happy, just plain old blah today. I got up made breakfast and dressed in nice but casual clothes for this cool autumn day here on the Sunshine Coast. Instead of heading out op shopping with my partner and his son I opted to stay home and do washing and vacuum the floors. 

I think I know why I feel this way, one week ago I went off the contraceptive pill and started taking a compounded progesterone capsule. It’s funny how you don’t realize how much your hormones change when on the pill and I’ve been on it majority of 15 years. Hopefully things start to balance soon. And hopefully the progesterone does what it’s meant too. Then that will be one less stress.

Here’s to less stress 🥂.

E.