It’s been a long time…

Hi everyone, I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post.
Since then things have gone downhill, I've been very moody, depressed, strange, tired, confused, anxious, snappy and just plain unhappy 😔.
Turns out going off the contraceptive pill can do this (wish the dr had mentioned it). It's been 3 very long months of bickering and arguing with my loved ones.
I decided yesterday to see if it could be the side effects of going off the pill and low and behold I found a forum of 81 pages of women going through similar symptoms as I have and still am.
Now I know I'm feeling a little better and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Many women say it takes about 6-8 months to get back to "normal ".
Upside: I'm off to France tomorrow morning with my love (hopefully still loves me at the end of this holiday). It's been very hard on him ( I'm sorry 😐).
Note to self… Eve you are going back to a city you love ❤️ be HAPPY 😊.
E.

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Wasting time at a Psychologist session 

Ever think you should have let the psychologist lead the way in the session?

I was going in to do more schema- therapy and rescripting but I did not stop talking.  I just kept rambling on and telling her this and that. She did ask questions but I kept veering off , maybe I was subconsciously avoiding delving deep into the past again and having all those feelings resurfacing.  Funny thing is that I actually wanted to do the schema-therapy and rescripting again, I was fully prepared.

I know, I know , you are thinking , it’s good to talk to your therapist, they may notice something in your rambling?

But now I only have 4 sessions left that are subsidised by Medicare. So I really need to make sure I use them wisely.

E.

Schema-therapy Part 2

I’m just going to be completely honest and tell you I’m feeling extremely emotional and scared about my upcoming session this afternoon.

Last week I was left feeling drained after my first session of schema-therapy and rescripting (link in previous post).  During the session I closed my eyes and found my safe place first, then my therapist introduced herself as my “saviour ” to be there for the “young Ms Eve” when she needs someone to stand up for her. We went back to a time in my life when I was under the age of 10 and I spoke about a time in my life that upset me. This is where I got very emotional 😭. My therapist would also ask if young Ms Eve needed a hug or to be picked up or to hold her hand. Of course, my therapist remains in her chair, these offers of comfort are just suggestive.

I cried and my body shook with all these past emotions coming to the surface. You know these feelings are there and you just think you’ve gotten over the past, but you just don’t realise that you haven’t really forgiven and forgotten things that happened. When you go back to those times it HURTS! 

The idea of the session is to go back to a time when a particular event happened. To speak as you were then , in a present tense. Then the therapist asks what help you’d like, to talk to whoever caused this pain, to comfort you, to take you to a place that you feel safe etc… rescripting your reaction essentially. 

At first it was weird for me, but after talking about it and hearing the therapist speak up for me , I started to feel calm.

I totally recommend this form of therapy if something in your past triggers hurt, insecurities, anxiety, fear etc…

I guess I’m fearful of getting so emotional during my sessions and not getting past the triggers. 

I hope I’ve made some sense. 😊

E.

Not PTSD…

During my psychologist appointment the other day the dr concluded that I do not suffer ptsd. Simply because I do not look over my shoulder in fear, I don’t freak out over loud noises and I don’t have dreams that cause me to feel like I’m back in the bad situation.

My “problem ” is worthlessness, low self confidence and the need to seek approval from people. Stemming from childhood.

We are going to work on building up my confidence and treating myself better. Not being afraid of making decisions for myself… I tend to overthink even the smallest things and how it is going to affect someone else( my bf, my children, my friends, my bosses etc) . I don’t want to be a disappointment which means often I miss out on things that may be good for me. 

I want nothing more than to be a confident, respected and trusted woman. 

E.

Stubbornness and ignoring the signs…

“Flash those bright neon flickering signs at me and I still won’t see them “

Or should I say I chose to ignore them? I am very good at seeing and hearing things I want to see and hear. Sometimes it’s good out in public, because I miss the really bad things I prefer not to see, but in a relationship I really need to listen to what the other person is really saying not what I think or want them to say. 

By ignoring what others say or do, I’ve been surprised by the reactions I get when I think I’m doing what they’ve asked for. To find out I’m really doing what I want for them.

Anyway, back to the signs…

I was rebellious, but in a sneaky way. I would do things that my parents wouldn’t like, but things that I could easily lie my way out of. Things like; “why weren’t you home when your sister got home from school?” My answer, “I missed the bus my sister was on because I helped another student in my class. So I caught the other bus, but it got stuck in traffic so I missed the connecting bus home.” ( the 2nd bus stopped at the shopping centre and all my friends were going there).

Or I would say I spending the night at my friends and tell her mother if my mum called to tell her we were out and we were spending the night there. Of course my boyfriends parents were away so I was staying at his house. (I was over 18, legally an adult, but afraid to tell my parents the truth, in fear of them throwing me out of the house or having to sit through an explanation of why God says no sex before marriage or the sins of the father have been passed down the generations).

I keep veering of the path of the subject but I think it all explains a bit about me.

Back to the signs I should not have ignored…

1. I never spoke up for myself 

2. I hid everything I felt

3. I ran from everything so I didn’t have to deal with it

4. I pretended everything was alright ( and I did an amazing job of it). Everyone but my youngest cousin was surprised when I left my husband.

5. I never saved for the future, I relied on others for that. I acted like a princess who deserved everything she wanted, but didn’t want to work for it. I kept waiting for this knight/prince to come along 🙄.

6. I walked down the aisle because I wanted to get out from under the control of my parents and the church. ( I was a fucking idiot!).

The signs, fear, laziness, no self worth, immature, fear, no self confidence, lies, fear of not being liked/ loved for choosing a life I wanted. You may ask where stubbornness comes into this? I was so stubborn I had to show my world my life was good, I made the right choice, this turned in to selfishness because I did what I wanted in my marriage and told my husband “no”when he wanted something. He even quit his job and sold our family car so that I could have my dream of living in Italy for 3 months.

I hope that my children do what they want and talk their father and I about anything. They shouldn’t fear anything.

E.