I’m still alive

Oh it has been a while…

Since my last post I have been away on holidays with my man. We went to France for 3 weeks, 1 week in Paris and 2 weeks driving the Normandy coast.

My man educated me on all the D-Day events and I got to see exactly what those brave men encountered in WWII.

There were times of stress and sadness and anxiety during the holiday but all turned out well.

I haven’t felt the need to see my therapist lately, I’m finding ways to cope with different stresses in my life.

I’m doing so much better than just a few months ago.

E.

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It’s been a long time…

Hi everyone, I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post.
Since then things have gone downhill, I've been very moody, depressed, strange, tired, confused, anxious, snappy and just plain unhappy 😔.
Turns out going off the contraceptive pill can do this (wish the dr had mentioned it). It's been 3 very long months of bickering and arguing with my loved ones.
I decided yesterday to see if it could be the side effects of going off the pill and low and behold I found a forum of 81 pages of women going through similar symptoms as I have and still am.
Now I know I'm feeling a little better and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Many women say it takes about 6-8 months to get back to "normal ".
Upside: I'm off to France tomorrow morning with my love (hopefully still loves me at the end of this holiday). It's been very hard on him ( I'm sorry 😐).
Note to self… Eve you are going back to a city you love ❤️ be HAPPY 😊.
E.

Wasting time at a Psychologist session 

Ever think you should have let the psychologist lead the way in the session?

I was going in to do more schema- therapy and rescripting but I did not stop talking.  I just kept rambling on and telling her this and that. She did ask questions but I kept veering off , maybe I was subconsciously avoiding delving deep into the past again and having all those feelings resurfacing.  Funny thing is that I actually wanted to do the schema-therapy and rescripting again, I was fully prepared.

I know, I know , you are thinking , it’s good to talk to your therapist, they may notice something in your rambling?

But now I only have 4 sessions left that are subsidised by Medicare. So I really need to make sure I use them wisely.

E.

Schema-therapy Part 2

I’m just going to be completely honest and tell you I’m feeling extremely emotional and scared about my upcoming session this afternoon.

Last week I was left feeling drained after my first session of schema-therapy and rescripting (link in previous post).  During the session I closed my eyes and found my safe place first, then my therapist introduced herself as my “saviour ” to be there for the “young Ms Eve” when she needs someone to stand up for her. We went back to a time in my life when I was under the age of 10 and I spoke about a time in my life that upset me. This is where I got very emotional 😭. My therapist would also ask if young Ms Eve needed a hug or to be picked up or to hold her hand. Of course, my therapist remains in her chair, these offers of comfort are just suggestive.

I cried and my body shook with all these past emotions coming to the surface. You know these feelings are there and you just think you’ve gotten over the past, but you just don’t realise that you haven’t really forgiven and forgotten things that happened. When you go back to those times it HURTS! 

The idea of the session is to go back to a time when a particular event happened. To speak as you were then , in a present tense. Then the therapist asks what help you’d like, to talk to whoever caused this pain, to comfort you, to take you to a place that you feel safe etc… rescripting your reaction essentially. 

At first it was weird for me, but after talking about it and hearing the therapist speak up for me , I started to feel calm.

I totally recommend this form of therapy if something in your past triggers hurt, insecurities, anxiety, fear etc…

I guess I’m fearful of getting so emotional during my sessions and not getting past the triggers. 

I hope I’ve made some sense. 😊

E.

The day after…

The day after my bf and I had a discussion about him needing time to find his purpose in life I had my first visit to the psychologist. And I spent every minute of my 50 minute appointment talking. I’m sure I opened her eyes to a full on crazy life (probably not… I’m sure psychs hear far more interesting stuff than my life).

Of course, you first visit is for them to get as much information from you as possible so they can work out how best to give you the tools to help yourself. They aren’t there to fix you, you need to know how to deal on a daily basis, so they teach you. 

At the end of my appointment, we decided that I need confidence in making and believing in my decisions. Doing things that I want to do, not what I think someone else wants me to do.

Oh and I’m passive aggressive, I kinda discovered that myself after reading this great blog post by Andrea Brandt. Being passive aggressive doesn’t mean you are an angry person, just that you avoid the conflict straightaway, but then it festers and you explode later, normally when the other person has totally forgotten about the situation.

An update…

I am at my place, I’ve given my bf his space and I got an email from him. This is a trigger for anxiety for me, but this time I read the email and I was calm and I came up with some answers and I love him more than ever. It’s hard when someone you love thinks they are failing you.

We are both going through our own issues but we love each other and support each other. I realize now that when he wants space it’s because he is in a bad place and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. (I can get on people’s nerves sometimes:).

E.