Not PTSD…

During my psychologist appointment the other day the dr concluded that I do not suffer ptsd. Simply because I do not look over my shoulder in fear, I don’t freak out over loud noises and I don’t have dreams that cause me to feel like I’m back in the bad situation.

My “problem ” is worthlessness, low self confidence and the need to seek approval from people. Stemming from childhood.

We are going to work on building up my confidence and treating myself better. Not being afraid of making decisions for myself… I tend to overthink even the smallest things and how it is going to affect someone else( my bf, my children, my friends, my bosses etc) . I don’t want to be a disappointment which means often I miss out on things that may be good for me. 

I want nothing more than to be a confident, respected and trusted woman. 

E.

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I feel like I’ve lost myself…

I want the old you back, you’ve changed in the past 6 weeks “

My bf said this last night and I asked him to explain and he just said he’d noticed a change in me. 

I totally agree with him… at first I thought he wanted the girl who cried all of the time, which then confused me and kinda made me angry. Why would he want that girl back? 

I’ve noticed that when we have a heated discussion and he says things like:

You have become very dependent on me.

You are very needy.

Please don’t come here if you are in a bickering mood.

I take the “bad” words and make them worse than they really are or take them the wrong way. Does that make sense to anyone reading this???

I know I have ptsd and he knows too, he was there when the doctor mentioned it and everything sort of fell into place. Thing is my poor man has no idea that some things he says are triggers to feelings of ; fear, loss of control, anger, terror, unworthiness, stupidity, failure, the list goes on… all these feelings stemming not only from my last relationship but from my childhood. He then gets an argument, which turns into him telling me to go home and that he needs some time away from me or me crying uncontrollably.

I feel sorry for him and then I can’t stand the thought of losing the man that caused me to love. After almost 40 years of suppressing my heart … I actually fell in love and I know, really know that I love him. He always asks why I love him and of course I say just because I do. I’m not sure why I can’t tell him why, but I’ve filled up a brown leather bound notebook with all of my feelings in little notes to him and he keeps it by the bed. I find it much easier to write my feelings then to say them out loud.

Anyway, I have some theories on why I’ve lost myself…

1. I take the words from what he says … dependent, needy, bickering and do the total opposite (which means I become very indifferent to everything and blah)

2. I went off the contraceptive pill about a month ago. ( this could explain parts of it, hormones changing etc…)

3. Started taking progesterone for a condition I have( if the condition clears up then there will be less I’ll stress about)

4. I’m reading a lot of blogs, books, articles about depression and self confidence and filling my brain to overflow and just adding too much to think about.

5. Overthinking!!!! Always overthinking….

I’m one of those people who thinks that they are going to be hurt … so I protect myself by shutting down. I’ve done it all my life. But I found this man who broke down the walls and I started to let him in bit by bit and he has my heart now and I know he loves me. I don’t want to be the person I was before he came into my life, but I feel the walls or for me I feel my heart solidifying into a lump of coal.

” I want the old /new me back too”

E.

Today…

I’m having a very low day. My partner is going through what I would call a midlife crisis. He hates that he is causing me to feel like I’m the problem. I love him for that.

But he would like me to stay at my place until he knows what he can do with his life. He wants to have a purpose.

I feel so sad like I’m mourning the loss of a family member or a friend. But he is my lover and my life and I love him so much.

I will give him what he needs.

E.

Last night…

I hate how you can go from feeling good to feeling not so good in a matter of hours.

Last night, before cooking dinner, I sat with my man and contemplated asking him to come to a family dinner for a 60th. I went over how I would ask him and went over and over and over it. I looked at him reading his book and wondered if I should wait to ask, but then told myself “just ask”. So I did.  His answer disappointed me, this then caused my mood to drop and I wanted to cry. 

I know this is a trigger from my past, that I haven’t touched on yet. 

A few hours later , my man asked what was wrong and after a lot of telling him “it doesn’t matter”, I told him and he said if it is that important to me, of course he’ll go. I think I think of the worst answer and work myself up about it.

For me, I always think that things like that wouldn’t bother others so I tell myself to suck it up and not worry. But, my man doesn’t know something is important to me unless I talk to him. I’m so afraid of being a disappointment even though he always says he is never disappointed in me. 

Do you do things like this?

E.

Patience is a virtue…especially when you are the patient 

I’ve been to the gym , while my 3 boys went hiking. Now I’m waiting at the doctors surgery…again. So I decided to do this post :).

I am very impatient when waiting for my loved ones to do what I’ve asked or what they’ve said they would do. If it has something to do with something I really want or need then I get grumpy but I don’t say anything because I don’t want to nag. 

And waiting at the drs … what can you do but wait patiently? There not much you can do but ask when you will see the dr or leave and have to reschedule and wait again… no need to get upset at the receptionist because she can’t do anything. And be honest, when is the last time you spent less than 10 minutes talking to the dr??? This is why we wait because every patient wants to tell their dr everything… I’m guilty of it. 

We all go in and tell the dr why we are there and just when we are about to leave we remember something else.

It’s good to know that there are drs out there willing to listen.

E.

Stubbornness and ignoring the signs…

“Flash those bright neon flickering signs at me and I still won’t see them “

Or should I say I chose to ignore them? I am very good at seeing and hearing things I want to see and hear. Sometimes it’s good out in public, because I miss the really bad things I prefer not to see, but in a relationship I really need to listen to what the other person is really saying not what I think or want them to say. 

By ignoring what others say or do, I’ve been surprised by the reactions I get when I think I’m doing what they’ve asked for. To find out I’m really doing what I want for them.

Anyway, back to the signs…

I was rebellious, but in a sneaky way. I would do things that my parents wouldn’t like, but things that I could easily lie my way out of. Things like; “why weren’t you home when your sister got home from school?” My answer, “I missed the bus my sister was on because I helped another student in my class. So I caught the other bus, but it got stuck in traffic so I missed the connecting bus home.” ( the 2nd bus stopped at the shopping centre and all my friends were going there).

Or I would say I spending the night at my friends and tell her mother if my mum called to tell her we were out and we were spending the night there. Of course my boyfriends parents were away so I was staying at his house. (I was over 18, legally an adult, but afraid to tell my parents the truth, in fear of them throwing me out of the house or having to sit through an explanation of why God says no sex before marriage or the sins of the father have been passed down the generations).

I keep veering of the path of the subject but I think it all explains a bit about me.

Back to the signs I should not have ignored…

1. I never spoke up for myself 

2. I hid everything I felt

3. I ran from everything so I didn’t have to deal with it

4. I pretended everything was alright ( and I did an amazing job of it). Everyone but my youngest cousin was surprised when I left my husband.

5. I never saved for the future, I relied on others for that. I acted like a princess who deserved everything she wanted, but didn’t want to work for it. I kept waiting for this knight/prince to come along 🙄.

6. I walked down the aisle because I wanted to get out from under the control of my parents and the church. ( I was a fucking idiot!).

The signs, fear, laziness, no self worth, immature, fear, no self confidence, lies, fear of not being liked/ loved for choosing a life I wanted. You may ask where stubbornness comes into this? I was so stubborn I had to show my world my life was good, I made the right choice, this turned in to selfishness because I did what I wanted in my marriage and told my husband “no”when he wanted something. He even quit his job and sold our family car so that I could have my dream of living in Italy for 3 months.

I hope that my children do what they want and talk their father and I about anything. They shouldn’t fear anything.

E.

Today…

Today I feel blah…

I should have written yesterday. 

Yesterday, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in over a year. I came out feeling fantastic, a little lighter in the purse 😉 but non the less fantastic and pretty. I was happy and couldn’t wait to show my new hair to my partner. He liked it :).

I feel neither sad nor happy, just plain old blah today. I got up made breakfast and dressed in nice but casual clothes for this cool autumn day here on the Sunshine Coast. Instead of heading out op shopping with my partner and his son I opted to stay home and do washing and vacuum the floors. 

I think I know why I feel this way, one week ago I went off the contraceptive pill and started taking a compounded progesterone capsule. It’s funny how you don’t realize how much your hormones change when on the pill and I’ve been on it majority of 15 years. Hopefully things start to balance soon. And hopefully the progesterone does what it’s meant too. Then that will be one less stress.

Here’s to less stress 🥂.

E.