Schema-therapy Part 2

I’m just going to be completely honest and tell you I’m feeling extremely emotional and scared about my upcoming session this afternoon.

Last week I was left feeling drained after my first session of schema-therapy and rescripting (link in previous post).  During the session I closed my eyes and found my safe place first, then my therapist introduced herself as my “saviour ” to be there for the “young Ms Eve” when she needs someone to stand up for her. We went back to a time in my life when I was under the age of 10 and I spoke about a time in my life that upset me. This is where I got very emotional 😭. My therapist would also ask if young Ms Eve needed a hug or to be picked up or to hold her hand. Of course, my therapist remains in her chair, these offers of comfort are just suggestive.

I cried and my body shook with all these past emotions coming to the surface. You know these feelings are there and you just think you’ve gotten over the past, but you just don’t realise that you haven’t really forgiven and forgotten things that happened. When you go back to those times it HURTS! 

The idea of the session is to go back to a time when a particular event happened. To speak as you were then , in a present tense. Then the therapist asks what help you’d like, to talk to whoever caused this pain, to comfort you, to take you to a place that you feel safe etc… rescripting your reaction essentially. 

At first it was weird for me, but after talking about it and hearing the therapist speak up for me , I started to feel calm.

I totally recommend this form of therapy if something in your past triggers hurt, insecurities, anxiety, fear etc…

I guess I’m fearful of getting so emotional during my sessions and not getting past the triggers. 

I hope I’ve made some sense. 😊

E.

Real love?

On Wednesday I had a lovely girls day with my friend P. We had a South American lunch with Sangria, then went to my local cafe for coffee and cake. Lots of girly chats and laughs. Later in the afternoon we sat in my kitchen and had a cuppa before P set off home. 

I messaged my bf and he called back on Skype, it cut out. I thought it was strange because usually when he knows I’m with a friend, he prefers that I’m not rude and msg or call him when I’m supposed to be paying attention to them.

After P left , I called my bf on Skype. I asked him why he tried calling while P was here, he said he wanted to say hi and that I should invite her and her bf for dinner sometime. He’d never mentioned meeting my friends before and it surprised me… my heart filled with love for him . 

At about 9pm I had this overwhelming urge to send my bf a message of how much I love him and I got very emotional writing it. I felt like he needed to know how I felt.

Half an hour later he called me and he was in excruciating pain… kidney stone. My baby was in so much pain and in a different country and I couldn’t help. He needed me…

He is feeling better now and continuing his holiday in Greece. I’ve never felt this way before.

I just wish my anxiety wouldn’t get in the way…

E.

Not thinking for yourself…the pain it can cause

I wish I knew this years ago!!!

I always did what was “right” by everyone else’s standards. Ever heard of WWJD? What Would Jesus Do… well it was more like “how can I do this and make my parents/church happy and keep them off my back?”

I just wanted to live and do what other people my age were doing, their parents didn’t question where they stayed the night or tell them they got sick whenever they had sex or that the sins they had done were being passed down the generations.

GUILT, GUILT, GUILT

At 18 I got a boyfriend who my parents would not approve of, I had to ask him to church and then the church prayed for him to make him believe in God. I was so embarrassed but I also thought if he at least looked like he was starting to believe then I’d get away with having sex. About a year into our relationship I told him we had to get married, so we got engaged. 18!!!!

After a few months my fiancé told me he never wanted children and I decided I wanted something different, so I broke up with him .  Last I heard he is an atheist.

3 months later I told God that the next guy I met would be it. And that night out with my friends I met him ( the father of my children).

This post seems to dragging out… am I just rambling???

E.

Today…

My sleep last night was horrible, my body hurt every time I turned. I feel like I was tossing and turning every few minutes but it could’ve been hours. I’m not sure but having to wake up to the alarm at 4am to start work at 6am was not nice. I also had an hour drive ahead of me. 

Sleep has always been important to me, I’m one of those who needs the 8 hours beauty sleep every night. 

I guess once I get my stress under control, I’ll sleep better and my body won’t hurt as much.

Your thoughts?

E.

Today…

This is where I share what is currently happening in my journey to discovering who Ms Eve is. While still sharing how I got here in much lengthier posts.

Today I visited my doctor yet again to find out why I am always tired (I’ve been tired for 3 1/2 years). We’ve ruled out pernicious anemia (not absorbing vitamin B12), gluten intolerance, thyroid problems, sickle cell disease, crohns and chronic fatigue. It looks like I suffer from PTSD-post traumatic stress syndrome, which in turn causes depression and anxiety (you would never guess it as I show no stereotypical signs). I find it not surprising after all I’ve been through but still really annoying that it lingers. I’m sure many of you understand this.

Anyway, I will keep you updated as I learn more.

E.

Starting from the beginning …part one

This one is going to take a while…

Well unlike The Eve of Creation, I started life like everyone else, being born into a loving family. I was the first child for a religious couple in the late 70’s. A father who was raised by two very dysfunctional parents and a mother raised by very strict European Christian parents.

The time when choice didn’t really matter

My earliest memories are of being in church surrounded by sounds of hymns and prayer, then playing with the other children in the car park of the church grounds. This was the fun times. Family (quite a few members of the church were my immediate family, aunts, uncles and cousins), friends and new faces around all the time, for a young child this was exciting. 

The time I realized there were choices but it was easier to do what others thought was best for me

At the time, probably around the age of 12, I had no  idea I was doing it but I started to worry about what others thought about me, especially my parents and the church. I started saying yes to things I really didn’t believe in and really didn’t want to be a part of. And when it came to performing in front of people (choir, plays, narrating) I hated it and became so stressed about trying to look the part and not letting people see the real me. I became this girl who stayed under the radar, didn’t take risks ( accept fight with my sister or watch tv instead of doing homework). I did subjects at school that were mainstream (good subjects for a girl). Many decisions were made for me, I stopped fighting it and just accepted others knew what was better for me. This is where I tell you that parents do their best and do it from love and from experience. I’m not telling you this to blame my parents or others in my past. People do what they can.

To be continued…

E.