Hi everyone, I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post.
Since then things have gone downhill, I've been very moody, depressed, strange, tired, confused, anxious, snappy and just plain unhappy 😔.
Turns out going off the contraceptive pill can do this (wish the dr had mentioned it). It's been 3 very long months of bickering and arguing with my loved ones.
I decided yesterday to see if it could be the side effects of going off the pill and low and behold I found a forum of 81 pages of women going through similar symptoms as I have and still am.
Now I know I'm feeling a little better and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Many women say it takes about 6-8 months to get back to "normal ".
Upside: I'm off to France tomorrow morning with my love (hopefully still loves me at the end of this holiday). It's been very hard on him ( I'm sorry 😐).
Note to self… Eve you are going back to a city you love ❤️ be HAPPY 😊.
Ever think you should have let the psychologist lead the way in the session?
I was going in to do more schema- therapy and rescripting but I did not stop talking. I just kept rambling on and telling her this and that. She did ask questions but I kept veering off , maybe I was subconsciously avoiding delving deep into the past again and having all those feelings resurfacing. Funny thing is that I actually wanted to do the schema-therapy and rescripting again, I was fully prepared.
I know, I know , you are thinking , it’s good to talk to your therapist, they may notice something in your rambling?
But now I only have 4 sessions left that are subsidised by Medicare. So I really need to make sure I use them wisely.
I’m just going to be completely honest and tell you I’m feeling extremely emotional and scared about my upcoming session this afternoon.
Last week I was left feeling drained after my first session of schema-therapy and rescripting (link in previous post). During the session I closed my eyes and found my safe place first, then my therapist introduced herself as my “saviour ” to be there for the “young Ms Eve” when she needs someone to stand up for her. We went back to a time in my life when I was under the age of 10 and I spoke about a time in my life that upset me. This is where I got very emotional 😭. My therapist would also ask if young Ms Eve needed a hug or to be picked up or to hold her hand. Of course, my therapist remains in her chair, these offers of comfort are just suggestive.
I cried and my body shook with all these past emotions coming to the surface. You know these feelings are there and you just think you’ve gotten over the past, but you just don’t realise that you haven’t really forgiven and forgotten things that happened. When you go back to those times it HURTS!
The idea of the session is to go back to a time when a particular event happened. To speak as you were then , in a present tense. Then the therapist asks what help you’d like, to talk to whoever caused this pain, to comfort you, to take you to a place that you feel safe etc… rescripting your reaction essentially.
At first it was weird for me, but after talking about it and hearing the therapist speak up for me , I started to feel calm.
I totally recommend this form of therapy if something in your past triggers hurt, insecurities, anxiety, fear etc…
I guess I’m fearful of getting so emotional during my sessions and not getting past the triggers.
I hope I’ve made some sense. 😊
On Wednesday I had a lovely girls day with my friend P. We had a South American lunch with Sangria, then went to my local cafe for coffee and cake. Lots of girly chats and laughs. Later in the afternoon we sat in my kitchen and had a cuppa before P set off home.
I messaged my bf and he called back on Skype, it cut out. I thought it was strange because usually when he knows I’m with a friend, he prefers that I’m not rude and msg or call him when I’m supposed to be paying attention to them.
After P left , I called my bf on Skype. I asked him why he tried calling while P was here, he said he wanted to say hi and that I should invite her and her bf for dinner sometime. He’d never mentioned meeting my friends before and it surprised me… my heart filled with love for him .
At about 9pm I had this overwhelming urge to send my bf a message of how much I love him and I got very emotional writing it. I felt like he needed to know how I felt.
Half an hour later he called me and he was in excruciating pain… kidney stone. My baby was in so much pain and in a different country and I couldn’t help. He needed me…
He is feeling better now and continuing his holiday in Greece. I’ve never felt this way before.
I just wish my anxiety wouldn’t get in the way…
I’m having a very low day. My partner is going through what I would call a midlife crisis. He hates that he is causing me to feel like I’m the problem. I love him for that.
But he would like me to stay at my place until he knows what he can do with his life. He wants to have a purpose.
I feel so sad like I’m mourning the loss of a family member or a friend. But he is my lover and my life and I love him so much.
I will give him what he needs.
I hate how you can go from feeling good to feeling not so good in a matter of hours.
Last night, before cooking dinner, I sat with my man and contemplated asking him to come to a family dinner for a 60th. I went over how I would ask him and went over and over and over it. I looked at him reading his book and wondered if I should wait to ask, but then told myself “just ask”. So I did. His answer disappointed me, this then caused my mood to drop and I wanted to cry.
I know this is a trigger from my past, that I haven’t touched on yet.
A few hours later , my man asked what was wrong and after a lot of telling him “it doesn’t matter”, I told him and he said if it is that important to me, of course he’ll go. I think I think of the worst answer and work myself up about it.
For me, I always think that things like that wouldn’t bother others so I tell myself to suck it up and not worry. But, my man doesn’t know something is important to me unless I talk to him. I’m so afraid of being a disappointment even though he always says he is never disappointed in me.
Do you do things like this?