My choices in life have led me to allow others to disrespect me. I’ve allowed it and just stopped noticing when it is happening. So then I don’t stop it from happening and it just keeps continuing.
How did I find out I was being disrespected? I told my man some things that were said to me (that I thought were funny ). When he heard what people were saying to me he could not believe that I would let people disrespect me like that.
I was confused at first, thinking these people were just being silly, just Aussie larrikins, didn’t really mean what they were saying…
But, when I took time to think about it , I was shocked to see that people don’t respect me as a mature respectable woman.
Of course, a lot of this behavior is because of my own behavior in the past. During my last relationship (mental and physical abuse) I would try to cover up what was happening at home by over exaggerating my love life to somehow make others think I had this amazing relationship and exciting intimacy.
This was my mistake!!!
Some people only remember me this way because they haven’t seen me since my life has changed. Not their fault… but I have changed and I need to set them straight if they speak to me in a disrespectful way.
Trying to be someone I’m not has backfired… so much so , some people still treat me like the fake I was.
Unfortunately, I still don’t know who I am. But I sure know who I’m not.
I NEED TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF
Many of my friends know what I went through and know how I’ve changed over the last 2 years and have seen me grow and mature and slowly move on from my nightmare. They never bring up things from my past or think it’s funny to mention embarrassing things I may have said or done. My real friends respect me.
Still in discovery mode…
I’m just going to be completely honest and tell you I’m feeling extremely emotional and scared about my upcoming session this afternoon.
Last week I was left feeling drained after my first session of schema-therapy and rescripting (link in previous post). During the session I closed my eyes and found my safe place first, then my therapist introduced herself as my “saviour ” to be there for the “young Ms Eve” when she needs someone to stand up for her. We went back to a time in my life when I was under the age of 10 and I spoke about a time in my life that upset me. This is where I got very emotional 😭. My therapist would also ask if young Ms Eve needed a hug or to be picked up or to hold her hand. Of course, my therapist remains in her chair, these offers of comfort are just suggestive.
I cried and my body shook with all these past emotions coming to the surface. You know these feelings are there and you just think you’ve gotten over the past, but you just don’t realise that you haven’t really forgiven and forgotten things that happened. When you go back to those times it HURTS!
The idea of the session is to go back to a time when a particular event happened. To speak as you were then , in a present tense. Then the therapist asks what help you’d like, to talk to whoever caused this pain, to comfort you, to take you to a place that you feel safe etc… rescripting your reaction essentially.
At first it was weird for me, but after talking about it and hearing the therapist speak up for me , I started to feel calm.
I totally recommend this form of therapy if something in your past triggers hurt, insecurities, anxiety, fear etc…
I guess I’m fearful of getting so emotional during my sessions and not getting past the triggers.
I hope I’ve made some sense. 😊
I guess I became scared and insecure about whether people would still love me if they knew the truth …
Doing what was “right”
I was never one of those children who pushed the boundaries very far. The boundaries I pushed were like watching tv instead of doing my chores or homework, going to the shops on the way home from school instead of going straight home… we were latchkey children, so our parents wouldn’t have known what we did in the afternoon before they got home from work. We could have been such naughty children but we knew our limits and our parents limits.
I did my school work and my chores because it was expected (the same in all households).
Finished high school with average grades.
Time to move out!!! So I didn’t have to do things because I lived under my parents roof.
I moved out, I got a job and I still did what my parents wanted, I was too scared not to go to church every Sunday or youth group on Saturday nights. I would have to deal with the conflict and it was too hard to argue.
There is more to come, but I’d like to know if anyone else has led a life similar to mine. Please leave a comment.